Hey, everybody, it's bob and david.
Hey, hi, everyone, hi.
Hi, indeed.
No, seriously, hello.
It's great to be here tonight.
Yeah, you know it is, though.
Honestly, you're here, i'm here,
All these people are here.
You know that's very cool.
It's very cool.
David, you're high.
No, no.
I smell marijuana on you.
Check that.
How about medical marijuana ?
You're not sick.
It's for work related stress.
"For stress related to working with bob odenkirk..."
Hey, you think it'll work for me ?
'Cause i have to work with me all the time.
Sure, just take... shit, i'm out.
Come on.
There you are, my dear. Thank you.
Hi, mr. Fowler.
Well hello there, david.
Need a refill ? Oh yeah, thanks.
This will take a few minutes to fill.
You fellows want to hang out ?
Yeah, sure. Come on, then.
You've gotta hear this new song i wrote.
I did it all on my 4-Track. Come here.
You're a musician ?
Well, i wrote some stuff, and kenny loggins heard it.
So, you know.
There we go.
( Folk music plays )
Man, what is going on ?
You got to do this, bob.
They want you to hang out with them.
I've had to listen to that bullshit song four times already.
Yeah, what are you gonna do ?
I'm not even his friend.
I just need marijuana for my glaucoma.
Yeah, i know what you mean.
My doctor says i need marijuana to get high.
Here you go mrs. Montpelier,
This is for your glaucoma.
And here's some creeper-Weed fudge brownies.
They'll fuck your ass up.
Man, that isn't right.
Don't you take an oath or something ?
Police !
Alright, you really crossed the line this time, doc.
Bummer !
Thanks a lot, citizen.
You're wearing a wire !
Sure, david, it's cold out.
And wires are like electric underwear.
Speaking of the electric underwear,
I got two tickets to their show tonight.
Me, me, me, me, me...
My wire will help me make a bootleg
Of a hot rock and roll show.
... and you can wear a wire to record
Your favorite tv programs !
Students can use it as a memory helper
To record boring lectures.
You, out !
Well, our first day and our first casualty.
Welcome to law school.
I am the dreaded professor peens.
You are no doubt familiar with my reputation
As a controlling, sour-Tongued,
Bitter crank.
Rest assured it is entirely true.
You come in here with your minds full of mush,
But you leave with razor sharp,
Double-Edged, legal, dual-Mind blades.
Look to your right, look to your left.
One of the people you just looked at
Will not be attending graduation ceremonies,
Unless, of course, they come as a friend.
Now then...
Thank you, lloyd.
Oh, my, it seems as though mrs. Peens'
Scarlet rubella is acting up again.
Who's the student who's been assigned to assist me ?
Gerald hennesy.
Yes, sir, right here sir.
Very well, mr. Hennesy will take over while i'm gone.
Please, mr. Hennesy, carry on.
Carry on, yes, i'll carry on.
Welcome to law school.
Law school.
Law school will be very hard...
For you.
This is not a playground
So leave your lunchboxes at home.
As well as your games.
And jokes.
And balls and riddles.
You come in here with heads filled with soup !
When you're done with law school,
Your brain will be like a steel trap
With the bloody foot of law inside it.
Crying out for its mommy !
Look around you, look around you,
Look around you, come on, do it.
Look up, look up, look to your right.
Look to me, look to your right again.
A little bit more, a little bit more.
Right here, a little bit more. There.
Now you know what it's like to look to the right.
By the time this class is over,
Two of you
Will be murdered.
One of you
Will commit suicide.
One of you will get injured...
In the leg.
Two of you will quit law school because it's so hard,
And you'll go off to run an apple butter farm.
That's not gonna work out...
Ahem !
What is it young man ?
Young man ?
You shouldn't be doing this.
It's a bit much.
Didn't you guys hear professor peens tell me to carry on ?
'Cause if you didn't then i recommend
That an armada of q-Tips be dispatched to your ear area forthwith !
Come on guys, no, no, no.
Come on, let me do this. Come on, it's my one chance.
You ! Who are you ?
I'm gerald hennesy, the student assistant.
He beat me up and stole my clothes.
So ?
There's no law against it.
You bastard !
No, jerry, no !
Damian, i'm doing this for you.
( Screaming )
( Wincing )
What's wrong with you ?
I injured my leg.
( Sinister music playing )
What have you done to us ?
He's told the truth.
That's all.
( Music continues )
* promises of what's to be *
* of grand delights in store, you'll see *
* it starts with a simple country wish *
* apple butter from hennesy *
( Announcer ) hennesy brother's apple butter.
The only apple butter still sold in
Old fashioned, breakable glass jars.
( Narrator ) lately, you've seen them everywhere.
In parks,
In stores,
In kitchens
And bedrooms around the world.
At last spring has sprung.
Hitlers seem to be popping up everywhere.
But where are they all coming from ?
Cloning.
The united biotechnical institute
Is at the forefront of hitler-Cloning technology.
Financing from the committee for holocaust reparations
Has produced clones of adolf hitler
By the hundreds of thousands.
Upon hatching,
Each hitler begins a life of servitude
To the relative of a holocaust victim.
( Reciting hebrew prayer )
And quicker than you can say l'chaim,
Hitlers have been become a integral part of jewish life.
( Girl ) bobby is so cute ! I think he likes me.
( Girl #2 ) yeah, right. In your dreams.
Come on, girls, bedtime.
Mom, no !
Yes, and put your hitlers away,
They were up all night last night.
Goodnight hitlers.
But what is life like for the hitlers ?
( Cloned hitler ) it's impossible to get a date.
Once they find out you're hitler forget it, it's over.
The young ones are always grumbling about
How we never asked to be grown in a lab.
Let me tell you something--
We have a saying around here, alright ?
"Get used to it, hitler."
It's easy for him to say. His died.
All right, that may be...
In the rare instance when their master dies before them,
The hitler is allowed to pursue the life of a free man.
( Cloned hitler ) i keep busy, you know, i have hobbies.
I clip coupons, too.
I watch my stories, which i love.
And wednesdays, i play in a canasta league...
Lazy man's wallpaper.
I'm hitler, i can't not be hitler.
So i want to be the best hitler i can be !
( Todd ) eight days have passed
Since the hurricane sank our cruise ship
In the waters off the florida keys.
We are the only survivors.
Derlin whittier,
His high school girlfriend, shawna munsen,
Tammy munsen, shawna's mother
And derlin's secret lover, who is having his baby,
And one member of my studio audience,
And me, todd linder flowman.
Since that day i've wondered
If we ever should've taken my talk show out to sea
For a week of shows about relationships.
We are out of food and fresh water,
And cannot last long.
( Sighing )
All right. Whose shift is it ?
Derlin, i think it's yours.
Here, take the flare,
I'm gonna try to grab some shut-Eye.
So cold and hungry.
We're all hungry.
Don't you be putting words in my mouth.
I'll put words wherever i want.
Ladies, please, save your energy.
Don't go there, please.
Why you always gotta--
Don't be yelling in my ear !
Don't you yell at him ! I got his baby in here.
How you know it's his baby ?
Because he fucked me-- !
Derlin, hey ! Do something.
Shawn, baby,
I love you, okay ?
But i'm also in love with your mama, which is--
See ? He loves me.
You bitch !
Stop it, stop it !
Todd, todd, todd. Can i say something ?
Of course you can, sure.
Yeah, i just want to say she,
The one in the t-Shirt, shawna.
Yeah, she need to respect her mama.
And then, the one that's her mother.
Tamara. Yeah.
You need to respect the baby,
'Cause life is precious. And god and the bible.
And, derlin,
Man, you should be looking for lights
And not starting fights. And all y'all, including me
Ought to be figuring out how we're gonna live without fresh water.
Okay, okay.
Sit down, sit down.
Thank you.
Those are some good thoughts.
We should all remember how precious life is.
Derlin, you look like you have something to say.
Shawna,
Sweet pea, i love you, okay ?
But i have something i have to tell you, okay ?
Tammy,
You are having my baby,
And i'm prideful and honorable of that.
Tammy,
Would you be my wife and marry me ?
Oh ! Oh, derlin !
That's a lady of the manner engagement broach,
And a box of cherry-Covered chocolates.
That's right, bitch.
You dog-Ass motherfucking dog !
Damn, damn !
Where did you get those chocolates ?
Food !
How could you hide that from us ?
How could you hide that ?
That's what i got to deal with all the time.
Fabian !
I fucking loved you.
I fucking loved you. I fucking loved you !
Who he ?
This is fabian.
He was derlin's super secret lover,
And he was a surprise guest on our show.
Fabian, where have you been ?
I was on an island.
Now give me them chocolates, they're rightfully mine !
Goddamn it ! What island ? You tell me !
This could save us all !
I ain't saving no three-Timing ho of the universe !
Get your head together ! Get your head together.
Tell me about this island.
Okay, i was eating a coconut.
There's food there.
And i saw him float by
With them two nasty-Ass white trash stank bitches.
( Hooting )
You shut up ! Stand up.
Tell me where this island is or you're a dead man !
Derlin should have thought about that
Before he went for playing me like a fool.
Goddamnit !
( Screaming )
You stupid, petty prince-Looking,
No island-Remembering motherfucker !
( Gasping )
My pin.
Don't--
Jesus christ !
What you looking at ? Turn it around.
Well, there it is.
I guess if you think about it,
We all live on a lifeboat.
It's important to prioritize.
What seems important in a trailer park
Might seem frivolous when facing certain death at sea.
Who you talking at ?
We all have to learn to listen to each other,
Remember the location of islands
With food and fresh water...
And try to forgive ourselves
For squandering the precious gift of life.
I'm todd linder flowman.
That's probably my final thought.
( Thinking ) yep, probably gonna die.
I knew, man.
I knew i'd never make it to 30,
Because i'm a wild man.
Because i party.
Heaven better look out for me.
Hell yeah, st. Peter-Looking motherfucker, let me in !
Yeah, before i die
I'm gonna fuck me a fish.
That's probably my final thought.
( Thinking ) well this is it.
If you gotta go, go out with a bang.
I'm getting on the news tonight.
That's probably my final thought.
( Director ) we're back in five, four, three, two...
Hello again, i'm craig mcque
With channel eight news.
Here now with more on local scams and flams is yale hadderity.
You said it, craig. Here i am with more,
And boy, oh, boy is it ever.
* scams and flams, scams and flams *
* scams and flams
* oh, my scammy flammy mammy *
How can today's consumers
Tell whether a business is legit or a scam ?
Whether they're dealing with a trusted vendor
Or a con artist running some fly-By-Night rookery.
Well, sometimes they just can't.
As i learned chasing a tip
About a new store at the dayton's town mall.
I'm standing in front of barnaby hutchman's
Wishing well and such.
Mr. Hutchman provides an indoor wishing well service
Where a person can, for a fee, make a wish.
Is this a legitimate service
Or is it possibly a rip-Off ?
That's what we intend to find out.
There it is.
Keep it coming.
The more you put in the stronger your--
Mr. Hutchman, who are you ?
Yale hadderity, channel 8 "scams and flams".
Sir, will my wish come true ?
You know what ? If it doesn't
You come back tomorrow and wish some more.
Keep it coming. That's fine, thank you. You have to go now.
Mr. Hutchman, is this wishing well store a scam ?
No it is not, i'm trying to run a business here.
So it's not a scam ?
No, turn the camera off, let's go !
Well thank you very much for answering our questions today.
We'll recommend your store on the news.
What ? What did you say ?
I said since it's not a scam
We'll recommend your store on the news.
You will ?
Well, yeah, why wouldn't we ?
Do you have any other questions ?
Okay.
( Yale ) barnaby, or barn, as i call him,
Explained in detail how the wishing well service worked.
Money is taken, and a wish is made,
Which, if you put enough money in
Or have a pure heart, will come true guaranteed.
Barnaby also spends the shop's funds
Supporting other local businesses.
Including ice cream purveyors.
Thank you.
"Wishing well and such",
A local store that may seem like a scam but--
Excuse me, sir, i'm from national news news service.
Do you claim to investigate local merchants ?
What ?
Do you claim to do investigations about local merchants,
Yes or no ?
I don't have to talk to you.
Hold on a minute. There's somebody i want you to meet.
Barn ?
My name isn't barnaby.
This is chuck timmons, he's an actor.
The wishing well shop was a front we've been operating
To find out how in-Depth your in-Depth reporting really is.
But, it's a scam ?
Yes.
Barn ?
It's a scam that was perpetrated on you,
To investigate weak, shallow, spineless, fraudulent reporting
Masquerading as investigative journalism.
It is absolutely shameful, sir
It is exploitative.
Okay, enough.
But he's the--
I know. But come on.
Look at him.
( Sniffling )
It's a scam ?
No, it's not true, okay ? It's not true.
We're just fooling around here.
See ? We're not investigating anyone.
This is the fraud.
Really ? Yeah.
Right ?
Yeah, right.
I'm an actor.
He's the actor.
And this is my real hair.
You guys !
You guys, you really had me going.
Oh, my god.
( Yale ) so you have to be very careful.
What seems like a scam may not be a scam,
But somebody may try to turn it into a scam.
But that in itself may be the scam.
So things can get pretty tricky
Out there for consumers, craig.
And for investigative reporters.
Oh !
All right, now let's turn to the weather with our own turk finery.
Turk.
We've had quite a week
And we'll learn all about the highs and lows
In our five day forecast.
* here comes the weather report *
* when's it gonna rain, when's it gonna snow *
* here's the guy to tell you about the highs and the lows *
That's me !
All right, let's see what we have headed our way.
* hey everybody, listen to my story *
* it ain't no metaphor, and it ain't no allegory *
* rain and snow is everywhere *
* you got to watch out and you got to take care *
* you got to believe me, please don't deceive me *
* i'm talking about the weather report *
* oh, yeah
* i'm talking about the weather report *
* because it's highs and lows *
* and rains and sleet and snows *
* they're everywhere
* from here to herald square *
* you know that i'm talking about *
* can't you hear me talking about *
* talking about the weather report *
* that's no lie
* talking about the weather report *
* please don't cry
* i'm talking...
* oh, yeah
* about the weather...
* report *